Camilo, I wish I could write an essay on your essay. It’s just so brilliant and so grounding. I really admire how your writing is evolving through time.
So many perspectives to cite. I was really drawn to this one: “All I’m doing is interpreting events through my lens–and that’s half the story. Useful for self-awareness, but doesn’t stop the drift.”
@Rachael Tiss has a wonderful definition of friendship that she can offer if she sees this.
I have a collection of deep friendships that include one of two people from each stage of my life grade school, high school, college, first employer, second employer, etc.
The common denominators we all have is that we are all super listeners (listening is wanting to hear) and we all care about each other more than our differences and our slip ups and transgressions over time. I guess there’s a humility present in all of us. At age 57, it is like a rich tapestry that could have only been woven one conversation at a time.
Thank you again for your profound contribution here.
James, what a beautiful comment. Thank you, truly!
And please DO write your own essay. We need more studies on friendship period. I love how you described the friendships you've nurtured. And while I chided the simplistic linear nature by which we think about friendships...I do think time becomes an element–it allows the friendship to grow so rich that the transgressions have to be more harmful in order to negatively impact the friendship.
Ps. I happen to count on Rach as a friend and will get her thoughts next time I chat with her.
Rachael - 5 minutes is up - back at you. I love reading your words and hearing your insights - they expand my world. (Also neat and fitting to see that you're a WOP editor coming up.)
Rachael - thank you! I would like to deflect that back to you, but we have this rule in our family that you need to wait 5 minutes after you receive a compliment from someone to let it fully sink in, before you give them one back. So I need to wait :)
I think there's an important element missing mentioned here, a common factor in all these "lines": it's all about how good you feel with your friend. As in, if there's a feeling of incompleteness between you, the lines are meant to separate. Otherwise, the lines will always re-converge *effortlessly*.
If you think about it, if it's not effortless, it's a burden at some level.
Do you want friendships that are burdens? Whenever I'm feeling a "I should really plan something with X" (rather than "My god, I must see X!"), that's a sign that that line is not meant to stay close to mine.
So, for me, there's no "what ifs". If it could have happened, it would have.
(After all that, I'm about to subscribe bc this was a really nice read -- thank you very much!)
I directionally agree with your comment. I do think that a lot of relationships can be measured with how you feel around that person.
Where I would disagree with you is that if something isn't effortless = a burden. Unless you don't mean "burden" in a negative context, I would slightly disagree. Relationships take effort. Not all effort is bad. It can become toxic when it is not reciprocated, or there is a pattern where making an effort makes you feel bad.
Here is an example: I have friends with children now. In a lot of instances, I know I have to be the one of top of the logistics, or have a little more flexibility given that their schedule is heavily dependent on their children. Finding a time to meet and an activity is not effortless, but in a lot of cases it is worth doing. After interacting with them, I feel close to them.
Before I read this, a friend from college reached out to me that I hadn't heard from in a while. Had she not, I think our lines would have diverged. I struggle in relationships where physical presence is not possible to supplement it for virtual presence. I haven't found a way for it to feel as rich and grounding. This essay put a mirror up to me. I am sitting in some discomfort with the truth. The truth is that, when physical distance come between a friend and me, I have a tendency to let lines diverge.
Thank you for writing this Camilo. You opened my eyes to take control over the agency that I do have in friendships instead of slowly letting it go. It also made me think about the quantity of relationships. At what point do we no longer have capacity to be a good friend. Should we limit the relationships we welcome into our life to prevent stretching our giving self too thin? Or is that shutting us off to beautiful connection?
Thank you again, this was written with a lot of heart.
Thank you! I think that sentence is true but there is some nuance behind it (which is a big reason this essay exists). I'd say this is directionally accurate!
Nice piece Camilo! I've wondered before if the lingering "what ifs" regarding our relationships with others are actually healthy, at least to some extent. On some level it can be a sign of simply caring, which has me thinking that, maybe, the healthy/unhealthy binary isn't enough to capture the nuances of our relationships. Of course, I can see how a certain amount of obsessiveness and rumination could be detrimental too!
Thank you so much, Phil! Yea, I think there is a fine line between self-reflection and rumination, and having that honest conversation about what it really is, is the best thing we can do.
Thanks for writing this thoughtful piece! I think about the friendships I've started, sustained, and lost, or severed throughout the years too, but haven't shaped it into a beautiful coherent reflection like yours. It was a bittersweet thing to read, and so glad I found you!
Hi Camilo, I found you on Threads (thank goodness they let you link Substack pieces)! This was such a well thought out and powerful piece. There’s not enough conversations around friendships, around friendship break ups and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a man talking about it. The vulnerability and openness in your stories made me reflect on my friendships that either fizzled out or exploded. One thing that’s made me happy is how many of my old friendships have been reignited. You’re right though, it’s so hard to predict. Having moved around a lot, I really appreciate the friendships that have stood the test of time and proximity.
Great reflection Camilo. This idea of lines converging and diverging is accurate, useful, and powerful. Definitely makes me think about my own friendships. It's an interesting thing to explore, the extent to which friendships naturally take their course vs. what actions we can and should take to shape that course. Thanks for sharing another window into your always thoughtful, interesting, and funny mind!
I often say I don't have many friends, but now that i think about it, I think it's just me bring extra careful about labels and the almost inevitable: fallout. It's better to not see this person as a friend because when we fallout it'll be easier to move on.
But also I think because I have this notion that we will fallout, the self fulfilling prophecy comes into play and we will fallout.
I think this is a good insight you've stumbled upon to, Jesugbemi. And I'm familiar with this line of thinking. I used to say "people come, people go." As a way to make myself feel better for when friendships just faded. I think there is truth to that statement, but now I don't let it get in the way of trying to live the friendship intentionally. Otherwise, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as you mention.
I swear I was thinking about writing an essay on friendship but then I read this and it’s perfection. Gave me a lot to consider as I have a lot of friendships I end because of “lack of reciprocity.” I realize I have to be the friend I want. At this stage of life, my toddlers are my best friends. We make plans together, we execute, we talk all the time (because there’s no summer camp I can afford) and we push each other to be better. Thank you.
This has me thinking about the relationships in my life and what kind of line drawing goes with each one. I'm going to sit down and chart some of these out, just for fun, and sometime before the sixth extinction.
I love this post. The friendship winters and summers are beautifully written, and resonate with " no matter what I do to keep those lines running parallel. They can diverge forever."
Love the "My study of my friendship lines isn’t conclusive. I’m filled with regrets and lessons."
I've lost friends over the years, initially devastated, and over time became accepting of it. And yet, I never really sit to study and reflect on these. Maybe it's the fear of confronting these memories. I think it takes great courage to analyze these lines and thank you for this post to inspire us to reflect.
Camilo, I wish I could write an essay on your essay. It’s just so brilliant and so grounding. I really admire how your writing is evolving through time.
So many perspectives to cite. I was really drawn to this one: “All I’m doing is interpreting events through my lens–and that’s half the story. Useful for self-awareness, but doesn’t stop the drift.”
@Rachael Tiss has a wonderful definition of friendship that she can offer if she sees this.
I have a collection of deep friendships that include one of two people from each stage of my life grade school, high school, college, first employer, second employer, etc.
The common denominators we all have is that we are all super listeners (listening is wanting to hear) and we all care about each other more than our differences and our slip ups and transgressions over time. I guess there’s a humility present in all of us. At age 57, it is like a rich tapestry that could have only been woven one conversation at a time.
Thank you again for your profound contribution here.
(BTW, I think I started my essay. Sorry)
James, what a beautiful comment. Thank you, truly!
And please DO write your own essay. We need more studies on friendship period. I love how you described the friendships you've nurtured. And while I chided the simplistic linear nature by which we think about friendships...I do think time becomes an element–it allows the friendship to grow so rich that the transgressions have to be more harmful in order to negatively impact the friendship.
Ps. I happen to count on Rach as a friend and will get her thoughts next time I chat with her.
Thank you for this comment. It made my day!
In response to James' comment above:
Friendship is a damn good conversation that never ends.
James, your comments make me so happy. You inspire goodness and gratitude with each one
Rachael - 5 minutes is up - back at you. I love reading your words and hearing your insights - they expand my world. (Also neat and fitting to see that you're a WOP editor coming up.)
Thanks James! I like the 5-minute rule. It helps slow down the compliment boomerang :)
Rachael - thank you! I would like to deflect that back to you, but we have this rule in our family that you need to wait 5 minutes after you receive a compliment from someone to let it fully sink in, before you give them one back. So I need to wait :)
I remember coming across that visual and it made me so sad.
I think about friendship probably every day, and this piece resonates.
Platonic relationships don’t get as much love and attention as they deserve across the board.
Thank you for sharing! This was lovely.
Thank you so much for reading, Sandra!
I think there's an important element missing mentioned here, a common factor in all these "lines": it's all about how good you feel with your friend. As in, if there's a feeling of incompleteness between you, the lines are meant to separate. Otherwise, the lines will always re-converge *effortlessly*.
If you think about it, if it's not effortless, it's a burden at some level.
Do you want friendships that are burdens? Whenever I'm feeling a "I should really plan something with X" (rather than "My god, I must see X!"), that's a sign that that line is not meant to stay close to mine.
So, for me, there's no "what ifs". If it could have happened, it would have.
(After all that, I'm about to subscribe bc this was a really nice read -- thank you very much!)
Hey Dani, thanks for reading.
I directionally agree with your comment. I do think that a lot of relationships can be measured with how you feel around that person.
Where I would disagree with you is that if something isn't effortless = a burden. Unless you don't mean "burden" in a negative context, I would slightly disagree. Relationships take effort. Not all effort is bad. It can become toxic when it is not reciprocated, or there is a pattern where making an effort makes you feel bad.
Here is an example: I have friends with children now. In a lot of instances, I know I have to be the one of top of the logistics, or have a little more flexibility given that their schedule is heavily dependent on their children. Finding a time to meet and an activity is not effortless, but in a lot of cases it is worth doing. After interacting with them, I feel close to them.
Does that make sense?
Hmm... I do mean burden in a negative context, so I wouldn't classify "efforts that you don't mind making" as "burdens"
There's also a distinction between "effort" as in "an action towards a goal" and "effort" as in "something difficult".
When I said "if it's not effortless, it's a burden" I meant "if it's difficult, it's a burden"
Having flexibility or making plans to meet our friends may take effort, but if it doesn't feel like efforting, it's not a burden in my book
All in all, I think we have pretty much the same opinion 😇 So yeah, what you said does make sense to me, our definitions are just a lil mismatched!
There is so much goodness in this piece. Well done! I'm leaving you with a corny acrostic poem.
Camilo, the Brilliant F.R.I.E.N.D:
F: Funny
R: Romantic, as in you honor beauty, emotion, and vividity of the human experience
I: Insightfully introspective
E: Empathetic. You make others feel seen
N: Nurturing. You help others hear and embrace their voice
D: Delightful. In conversations, in your essays, tweets, comments, wherever you go
I just saw this Rach! Thank you!! This was really sweet :)
Before I read this, a friend from college reached out to me that I hadn't heard from in a while. Had she not, I think our lines would have diverged. I struggle in relationships where physical presence is not possible to supplement it for virtual presence. I haven't found a way for it to feel as rich and grounding. This essay put a mirror up to me. I am sitting in some discomfort with the truth. The truth is that, when physical distance come between a friend and me, I have a tendency to let lines diverge.
Thank you for writing this Camilo. You opened my eyes to take control over the agency that I do have in friendships instead of slowly letting it go. It also made me think about the quantity of relationships. At what point do we no longer have capacity to be a good friend. Should we limit the relationships we welcome into our life to prevent stretching our giving self too thin? Or is that shutting us off to beautiful connection?
Thank you again, this was written with a lot of heart.
Fantastic post.
It made me think. I'd summarize everything with one simple sentence: people change and life goes on.
Thank you! I think that sentence is true but there is some nuance behind it (which is a big reason this essay exists). I'd say this is directionally accurate!
Beautiful. Honored to be mentioned <3
Thank you, Olivia! It means a lot that you found it beautiful. And thank you for the inspiration :)
Nice piece Camilo! I've wondered before if the lingering "what ifs" regarding our relationships with others are actually healthy, at least to some extent. On some level it can be a sign of simply caring, which has me thinking that, maybe, the healthy/unhealthy binary isn't enough to capture the nuances of our relationships. Of course, I can see how a certain amount of obsessiveness and rumination could be detrimental too!
Thank you so much, Phil! Yea, I think there is a fine line between self-reflection and rumination, and having that honest conversation about what it really is, is the best thing we can do.
Thanks for writing this thoughtful piece! I think about the friendships I've started, sustained, and lost, or severed throughout the years too, but haven't shaped it into a beautiful coherent reflection like yours. It was a bittersweet thing to read, and so glad I found you!
Thank you, Alana for such a sweet comment. I really appreciate it!
Hi Camilo, I found you on Threads (thank goodness they let you link Substack pieces)! This was such a well thought out and powerful piece. There’s not enough conversations around friendships, around friendship break ups and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a man talking about it. The vulnerability and openness in your stories made me reflect on my friendships that either fizzled out or exploded. One thing that’s made me happy is how many of my old friendships have been reignited. You’re right though, it’s so hard to predict. Having moved around a lot, I really appreciate the friendships that have stood the test of time and proximity.
PS loved your use of footenotes, made me laugh!
Thank you! I happen to consider you a friend despite being proximity tested...so you must be doing something right! :)
Great reflection Camilo. This idea of lines converging and diverging is accurate, useful, and powerful. Definitely makes me think about my own friendships. It's an interesting thing to explore, the extent to which friendships naturally take their course vs. what actions we can and should take to shape that course. Thanks for sharing another window into your always thoughtful, interesting, and funny mind!
Thank you my friend! Yes, the exercise I did myself on my own friendship lines was eye-opening!
I often say I don't have many friends, but now that i think about it, I think it's just me bring extra careful about labels and the almost inevitable: fallout. It's better to not see this person as a friend because when we fallout it'll be easier to move on.
But also I think because I have this notion that we will fallout, the self fulfilling prophecy comes into play and we will fallout.
I think this is a good insight you've stumbled upon to, Jesugbemi. And I'm familiar with this line of thinking. I used to say "people come, people go." As a way to make myself feel better for when friendships just faded. I think there is truth to that statement, but now I don't let it get in the way of trying to live the friendship intentionally. Otherwise, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as you mention.
I swear I was thinking about writing an essay on friendship but then I read this and it’s perfection. Gave me a lot to consider as I have a lot of friendships I end because of “lack of reciprocity.” I realize I have to be the friend I want. At this stage of life, my toddlers are my best friends. We make plans together, we execute, we talk all the time (because there’s no summer camp I can afford) and we push each other to be better. Thank you.
I don't think there are enough essays on friendship, so I do hope you end up writing it!
If anything, I would love an essay where you explore the relationship with your toddlers as a friendship. That would be an interesting angle!
This has me thinking about the relationships in my life and what kind of line drawing goes with each one. I'm going to sit down and chart some of these out, just for fun, and sometime before the sixth extinction.
Thank you Rick! Your feedback was helpful! It is quite the interesting exercise!
I love this post. The friendship winters and summers are beautifully written, and resonate with " no matter what I do to keep those lines running parallel. They can diverge forever."
Love the "My study of my friendship lines isn’t conclusive. I’m filled with regrets and lessons."
I've lost friends over the years, initially devastated, and over time became accepting of it. And yet, I never really sit to study and reflect on these. Maybe it's the fear of confronting these memories. I think it takes great courage to analyze these lines and thank you for this post to inspire us to reflect.